


Crimson Stars

by Caraphernellic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Oral Sex, PTSD, Romance, Sex, Smut, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-15 11:59:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1304080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caraphernellic/pseuds/Caraphernellic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While deployed in Afghanistan, Dean makes an unlikely companion in a missionary worker named Cas, who doesn't even believe in the war. Cas has Dean questioning what he's really fighting for, and Dean has Cas wondering whether his cause is even who he is anymore. Through the time of war and tumultuous day to day living, the pair form a friendship that soon blossoms into a bond neither of them expected. But when they're back in the United States, things aren't so simple anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Destiel fic, and I would really love it if you guys left comments telling me how you like it ! All aspects of the war aren't completely accurate, so be warned about that. I'm not sure when I  
> ll be posting another chapter, it might depend on the reaction from all the readers :)

February, 2002

 

Dean has been here for four months, he enlisted directly after 9/11. It’s like another level of Hell- the heat, the sand, the sounds, the blood…..This is war, and Dean won’t ever forget it. They’ve been stationed in this camp two weeks so far, surrounded by the desert and the relentless sun. It’s not the worst conditions they’ve been in so far, but not the best either. Which, out here, is pretty damn good. He sits on a rock, drinking dirty water out of his canteen, something he’s still getting used to. He thinks about Sam, about his face when Dean told him he was joining the army. The confusion there, the pain, the fear; nothing at all like the proud look his father gave him. It took joining the military to get that man’s attention and approval. Some days he feels privileged, and other days he regrets ever having the thought to join the army in the first place. He misses the little things, like clean water, good food, long, hot showers. He misses driving, smoking a cigarette, hell, even grass….Everything is the same here, bleached by the sun and weathered by the heat. The only way to tell the difference between the camps is by the direction the sun sets.

 

It’s mid-afternoon now, and almost too quiet for Dean’s liking. Not hearing the sound of Henrikson barking orders makes him uneasy. He stands up and patrols the border of the camp- it looks like everyone is crowded around in the middle of the tents and tanks. Dean jogs over to them. “Where did you get that ?” He asks Lafitte. Benny is holding a bottle of clean, pure water. Lafitte nods to the rather scrawny man in the middle of the circle, with an armful of the bottles. Immediately it is plain that the man is not from around here. He isn’t dusty or tanned, nor muscular. He isn’t a soldier, not by far. Dean asks him for a water bottle, and he receives one with a nod- no words are spoken, but it seems as though something is exchanged. Dean ignores the uneasy feeling and settles back down on his rock. He is holding the bottle to his head, eyes closed, when he feels the shadow of someone standing over him. “Mind if I sit ? There seems to be nowhere else.” Dean scoots over to allow room for the stranger with the water. They sit in silence for a few minutes as Dean chugs his bottle.

 

“Would you like another ?” The man asks politely.

 

Dean ignores the question “Who are you, and where did you get these ? They’re more valuable than gold around here.”

 

“I am Castiel, a misson worker. My group and I travel to less fortunate countries, many that soldiers like yourself have destroyed, and aid as much as we can. We brought the bottles from our own camp, figuring you guys could probably use some too.”

 

Dean barks a laugh “You just disrespected soldiers everywhere yet you think you should give us water anyway ? What are you, one of those bible-thumpers that don’t ‘believe’ in the war ?”

 

“I don’t believe in the way the conflict with the US and Afghanistan was handled with a war that ruins entire villages, no. Women and children are left without homes or families, or food or drink.” Cas says this as though his opinion is the only rational one, and Dean is a child he is explaining this ‘silly little war’ to. “And what’s more, you soldiers don’t even care. You only care about your guns and how many people you kill. It’s a sad, desperate attempt at proving masculinity.”

 

Dean snorts “Excuse me ? We fight for the freedom of our country. We fight for the men next to us, we fight to last another day so that we’re that much closer to getting back to our own families. We don’t fight to kill, we fight for the right to life. For all those people that the Afghans killed in 9/11, in our country. Innocent people who didn’t deserve to die. Afghanistan waged war on us, not the other way around. America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t stay that way.”

 

That shuts Cas up for a minute.

 

“I never meant to disrespect you, Winchester.” He uses the last name printed on the front of Dean’s helmet.

 

“It’s Dean. And just watch your mouth around here.” He uses a moment to take Cas in. He’s different than anyone Dean’s ever met, that’s for sure. A young kid having the balls to do something like this, travel the world and talk to an armed soldier like that.

 

“You got guts, kid.” Dean claps him on the back and walks off.

 

The next time Cas pops up in Dean’s life is just a few weeks later. He’s ‘working’ near their base camp again. He actually scares the daylights out of Dean, when he appears seemingly out of nowhere. “Dean, it’s good to see a familiar face. Would you like some water ?”

“Yes, thanks. And I have a question for you…why do you choose to hang around in this Hell hole ?” That question has been weighing on his mind since he first met Cas. Cas in general has been in the back of his brain, he’s been itching to know if he’d ever see him again. Now his question was answered.

“I could ask you the same thing. If I recall correctly, soldiers are no longer drafted. You chose to be here.” Cas replies smartly.

Dean ponders that for a moment. “You’re right. You got me there.”

The pair meet unspokenly at the same spot a few more times before Dean’s platoon moves. It’s nice for Dean to talk to someone other than a soldier in his unit, and it’s equally as nice for Cas to talk to someone who doesn’t talk incessantly about the bible and God’s plan for their mission group.

Dean’s platoon goes far south, and he doesn’t see Cas again for two months. He’s beginning to think he imagined him, hallucinated a friend other than the men he fights beside. He spends his days having the same old conversations with Lafitte or Milligan, wishing that he had Cas’ witty perspective to entertain himself.

 

Cas keeps busy by focusing on his work with Chuck, his best friend. They’ve been friends since high school, and they joined this missionary together in August of 2001. Chuck is eclectic and full of energy, a dedicated worker who he means so much to him. That’s why it’s so strange to Cas why he hasn’t mentioned Dean to him at all.

 

Cas runs into Dean’s platoon again not long after the two month mark of the last time they saw each other. It’s night this time, and things are a lot less hectic for Dean. It’s almost quiet…he sneaks a few yards away to lay in the sand with Cas.

“You know, I may have just met you, but I missed you.” Dean admits. “I miss talking about real things. All anyone wants to do around here is complain or talk about home. I want to talk about life. I want to talk about things we love and hate, and memories and happy times, not things we miss. Not the fucked up things, not all the lost time.” Dean sighs and looks up at the sky.

“I know what you mean.” Cas murmurs. “I’m tired of talking about all the wrongs we have to right. And I just want to have one conversation that doesn’t involve the advice of ‘praying about it.’ I don’t even know if I believe in God…” Cas admits quietly. “I believe in my cause, but I don’t know if I buy into the whole divine power thing. Maybe that comes with seeing the way things are out here….” He glances over at Dean for a brief moment. “I’m scared to even mention that I’m homosexual around my group- they’re all so God-driven that I’m afraid I’ll be shunned. My best friend of eight years doesn’t even know that I’m gay….” Cas doesn’t even know where that confession came from, but it just seemed like the type of ‘real’ thing that Dean was referring to.

 

“If he doesn’t accept you for who you are, then I don’t think he’s worth it as a friend. And for the record, if there is a God, I don’t think it matters to him who you love.” Cas doesn’t answer, and they lay together in silence for a while, staring up at the sky. “Do you ever think about the fact that people back home are looking at the same sky ? They’re seeing the same stars as we are, right now.” Dean looks at Cas as he tells him this. Cas never reacts to things the way he expects them to; he wonders if now will be any different. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, and at first Dean doesn’t think that he heard him, but then he speaks.

 

“You’re right. The exact same sky.” He says, almost wistfully, like he wishes that the sky was a private thing between him and Dean. He wishes that it was only theirs, someplace they can look when they want to get away from it all and be real. He likes that expression now, ‘being real.’ It’s like everything else is fake unless you put your own meaning behind it, give it your own breath and a piece of yourself. That’s what Dean wants, he wants Cas to share little pieces of himself. Not shallow little details, but the clear cut things that define him. He wants reality out here in this wasteland. And Cas won’t be the one to deny him.

 

Sometimes it’s weeks, sometimes longer, but Dean _always_ sees Cas again. It keeps him grounded, it gives him something to look forward to. He doesn’t just blindly look ahead anymore, he takes it a day a time- _one day closer to me seeing Cas,_ he’ll think. It’s like a prize in the middle of this slice of Hell that he endures every day. It’s unbearably hot, and he gets so hot that he just wants to collapse, but he can’t. He has a duty to do- he has to be on constant watch, looking out for himself and his brothers in arms. He’s seen so many people die that he’s lost count. He’s had to help carry the bodies of some of their own, but he tries not to think about these things, because they will mess with his head if he lets them. The only problem is that this is the realest thing he’s ever experienced, so it’s bound to. The nightmares come first. He sleeps sitting up against whatever he can find, and the nightmares always come. They start with graphic depictions of every member of his platoon being brutally slain by the enemy, then move on to him running through the desert as they surround him. They’re covered in blood, the blood of his brothers, and it trails on the sand behind them. So dark in color that you could almost pretend it wasn’t the remains of his friends…almost. They end as the bullets hit him, jolting him awake. He awakens sweaty and panicked, and more tired than before. It starts affecting his performance, and he comes so close to being shot for real that it makes him realize just how easily this could all end in an instant.

 

He starts being more careful after that.

 

June, 2002

 

Dean has been here about eight months now, not even halfway through his first deployment. He’ll be here until October of 2003, and it scares him to think that maybe he won’t make it that long. He voices all these fears to Cas, under the stars.

“Someone once told me that it’s okay to be scared, it means you still have something to lose. Stay scared, Dean.”

 

December, 2002

 

Cas and Dean haven’t seen each other since August. Dean doesn’t know whether Cas went back home, or they just haven’t run into each other, period.

Cas prays now, every night, for Dean. It weighs on his mind that maybe, just maybe, he hasn’t seen him these four months because he was killed in the line of duty. He doesn’t want to think about that possibility- it seems like the only reason he’s still doing this now is for Dean. He’s lost his passion, not for helping people but for the peace side of this war. He sees the soldiers point of view now, whether that’s because of Dean or not. He sees the Afghans do just as much to the Americans, and yet there’s no one racing to help their side out. It’s a double standard and it’s unfair and it’s not real. It’s bullshit. Every night he lays in the sand and looks up at the stars.

He reminds himself that somewhere, Dean is looking at them too.

February, 2003

 

It’s a rare night with Cas tonight, and Dean is grateful. He’s so grateful to be here, odd as that may be. He guesses it doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re in good company. It sucked not seeing Cas for those four and a half months, but being with him every time after that almost makes up for it. It’s strange, how just talking with someone can make everything so much better for him. No, not just anyone, but Cas. Cas makes everything better.

“There’s this quote, that I read. It made me think of you.” Cas pulls a worn book from his backpack and opens to the book-marked page. “I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life. “What can you ever really know of other people’s souls—of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands” Cas finishes, his deep voice trailing off at the end. “I want you to keep it, a real, touchable, personified version of us…”

“I like the sound of us. Thank you, Cas. I’ll read it and think of you, every time.” And that note, that ripped out book page, that sentiment, meant so much to Dean. He kept it tucked into his helmet, and he read it every night. The note eventually got smudged and dirty, but by that time Dean could already recite it by heart.

 

July, 2003

 

Dean is shot. His side is aching from the bullet, and he’s bleeding out in a mountain of sand. His hearing is tunneled, the only sound he hears is the shallow wheeze of his own breathing. Lafitte is the first one to reach him, to put his hands over the wound and help him. Some of the blood splashes onto Benny’s vest, and it distracts Dean. It looks like a star.

It makes him think of Cas.

 

August, 2003

 

Cas was so scared when he couldn’t find Dean in the platoon. He was even more afraid when they told him he was in the infirmary tent. His relief came soon enough when he found him sitting up and complaining, a little worse for the wear but nothing unmanageable. He had gotten shot the week before, and was still recovering. He swore up and down to him that he would recover faster now that he had seen him, and Cas believed him. Dean recited the quote back to him “Don’t forget Cas. That’s us.” Cas reluctantly told Dean that he would be leaving at the end of the month, to go back to the States…for good. He doesn’t want to leave Dean here, but he doesn’t have another choice. The mission is over, and there’s nothing he can do. He’s surprised though, when Dean smiles.

“I get home in October. I’ll come see you, in your fancy house in South Carolina,” Dean promises. “With your aquarium and your personal library and the stupid Backstreet Boys CD’s you still have under your bed.” He laughs and gives him a big smile, like its already a done deal. Like there isn’t a chance that he’ll die before he gets there.

That’s the last time they see each other before Cas leaves.

 

“Bye Dean.” He says with a sad smile.

 

Dean sits up sharply “Not goodbye. See you later.”

 

“See you later, Dean.”

 

October, 2003

 

Dean is going home today.


	2. The Beginning

October 2003

Dean sits in the helicopter with Milligan, trying not to cry out of relief. They’re finally getting out, finally going home. No more heat and sand and dirty water, no more bullets and blood and dead friends….He’ll get to see Sam again, and sleep in his own bed, and eat as much pie as he wants.

 

It’s over.

 

The first thing he does when he gets off the plane is hug Sam. He calls him a wimp for crying, but secretly he’s wiping his eyes behind Sam’s back. Sam drove here in Baby, and Dean drives them home with pride, blasting AC/DC with the windows rolled down. He takes a long, hot shower when they get there, then collapses into bed. He sleeps for two days straight.

 

It’s so strange for him to be back in America again. The sounds are so familiar, yet so off-base from what he’s been hearing these past two years. They make him jump now, the car horns and the dogs barking.  Ceiling fans freak him out, they remind him of chopper blades. He tears down all the ones in his house and burns them in the backyard. It’s hard for him to fall into a regular routine now, after being told what to do for so long. Most days he just lays in bed, not even sleeping, just thinking. He forgets to eat and shower, and he doesn’t have a job. The bills are piling up, and still he can’t find a reason to get out of bed.

 

After almost a month of spiraling down into a pit of depression, Dean finds his reason -Cas. He wants to see him, and he made a promise.

 

Dean gets out of bed and showers, eats a big meal, then goes to the bank. He uses some of his savings to pay off the bills. He calls Sam to tell him that he’s going to visit an old friend, and then he packs up his car. It takes a few days to make the drive to South Carolina, but he doesn’t mind. It’s almost like the Dean before the war, without a care in the world, chain smoking his cigarettes and singing along to the radio. When he passes the state line, he parks in a coffee shop and looks up Cas’ address online. It’ll take another three hours to get there, but Dean would drive much farther than that to see him again.

 

Three hours and half a pack later, Dean is turning onto Castiel’s street. He’s becoming increasingly nervous- what if Cas doesn’t want to see him again ? Or what if he already has company, or he lives with his family and he hasn’t even mentioned Dean to them ? The only thing that gets him to the door is the thought that not seeing him again is much worse than his fears of what Cas will think.

 

All this time, Cas has wondered about Dean every single day. It’s usually at night, when the stars come out and he is laying in bed. He wonders whether Dean made it home safely, and how he’s doing if he did. He wonders if Dean ever thinks of him, if he still knows their quote by heart. He thinks about looking him up, but he would never be able to find Dean’s house, he’s terrible with directions. He would be devastated if he drove all that way just to return home without seeing him again.

 

On a lonely day in November, he’s sitting in his living room re-reading his favorite book when someone knocks on his front door. He assumes it’s his older brother, Gabriel, but when he opens the door, he finds Dean.

 

“Dean !” He flings himself at him and wraps his arms around him without another thought. “You’re here…oh God…you’re here.” He mumbles. Dean has longer hair now, and he’s definitely thinner, but he’s the same Dean.

 

Dean hugs him back “Hey Cas. I’ve missed you…I told you that I would be here, and now here I am.”

 

Cas leads Dean inside and makes him dinner. After they eat, they lay on the floor in Cas’ living room, and just talk. Dean tells Cas all about everything he’s missed these past months, and Cas tells Dean about missing _him_ these past months. It’s just like old times, except it’s better. Dean is home, and he’s with Cas, and all they have to do is talk. Dean doesn’t have to grab his gun and run off in the middle of it, and Cas doesn’t have to walk back alone to his camp. They can just stay here for as long as they want.

 

Dean and Cas talk about movies, and they both agree that 80’s movies are their favorite. Cas puts in Roadhouse, an old Patrick Swayze movie, and they sit on the couch together. They’re sharing a popcorn and drinking a beer, and everything seems like it should be this way. Just the two of them, quietly sharing the night.

 

 After the movie ends, they go outside to look at the stars, even though the air has a chill and the street lights are on. Dean sits up and looks at Cas “I still looked at the stars whenever I could back in Afghanistan, when you were gone. Did you ?”

Cas sits up too and nods. “We were together, even though we were so far apart.”

 

And that sentence makes Dean’s heart swell. Cas makes it sound like even though they were countries and millions of miles apart, they were together because of their sky.

 

Dean leans forward and cups Cas’ face gently, and presses their lips together. It starts out slow and tender, with their lips sliding together in perfect sync, almost chaste. But then Cas lays down on the grass and Dean hovers over him, his tongue sliding into his mouth to taste him, and Cas’ hands sliding up underneath the back of Dean’s shirt. His body heat warms Cas, and euphoria flows through him. They kiss like this for a long time, slow and unhurried, their hearts beating together in the dark of the night. The stars shine above them, witness to the bonding that was bound to happen between them. Dean has known this man for two years, he’s been the realest thing that he can depend on. He’s not just Cas, he’s _his_ Cas.

 

They pull away an inch and breathe each other’s air, their lips swollen and their faces crinkled with the goofy smiles they both wear. They lay together in complete silence for a while more, before Cas takes Dean inside and they slip into the same bed. They don’t cuddle at first, they just lay on their sides facing each other. Cas’ soft breathing helps Dean sleep, and Dean’s peaceful face helps Cas drift off.

 

 

Dean dreams that he’s back in Afghanistan, watching one of their own go down. Blood flows out of him, and he’s dying even as Dean runs toward him. When he gets close enough, it’s not Henrikson or Lafitte laying there, it’s Cas, his face contorted in a mask of pain. “Help me” He begs Dean, but the life is leaving him faster than Dean can save him. He tries so hard to stop the bleeding, but Cas flops around with the reactions happening in his body, and he dies just as Dean is saying “Don’t leave me.” Cas’ begging fills Dean’s ears, and he’s crying in Cas’ bed, face buried in the pillow. Cas is there to comfort him, wrapping his arms around him.

 

“It’s okay Dean, you’re home. I’m right here, I’m here. Don’t cry, everything’s okay.” He wipes Dean’s cheeks and kisses his eyelids. “Sleep now. I’ll watch over you.”

 

 

Dean stays at Cas’ house for a week, and he can’t believe he ever lived without this. He can’t remember a time without watching Cas smile, hearing his laugh at Dean’s dumb jokes, listening to him singing in the shower. They make breakfast together, they go for walks, they go to the library and read to each other. Simple things, small things that make everything worth it for Dean. The nightmares and the flashbacks, sure they came from Afghanistan, but Cas did too. And he could never regret that.

 

When it’s time for Dean to leave, Cas refuses to help him pack up. He won’t say see you later, and he won’t let Dean go. He stands at the front door with him, gripping his forearms. “Don’t go. Stay.” Dean strokes Cas’ hair, “I have to go. I have a house and Sam…I have to.”

“Stay.” Cas says again. Dean presses a soft, lingering kiss to his forehead, “See you later Cas.”

 

He blows him a kiss from the driveway, and looks away before he can see Cas cry.

 

 

 

He’s already a state away before he turns around and starts driving back.

 

 

Dean had left in the late afternoon, and it’s well after midnight when he returns. He knocks on the door, hoping Cas will forgive him.

 

Cas runs to the door, praying that the person on the other side is Dean. When he opens it and sees that it is, he doesn’t say anything, he just pulls him inside and kisses him.

 

He lays awake that night, with Dean’s arms around him. He tries not to think about sleeping alone when Dean eventually _has_ to leave. It’s been two years since they’ve met, and he thinks he’s known that he loves Dean for a while. He just wants him to stay with him forever, so they can watch the stars, and read, and go on picnics and watch dumb movies and kiss all night long. He just wants Dean.

 

Dean stays another week before he drives home. He talks to Cas on the phone every night, but it’s not the same. But the fact is, he needs to pay the bills. So Dean gets a steady job like a responsible guy, and he misses Cas like a lonely guy, and he cries sometimes like a heartbroken guy.

 

He gets panic attacks now, sometimes over nothing, sometimes because he’s overwhelmed, and sometimes because of his terrible nightmares and flashbacks. But he gets up in the morning, and he showers and eats, and goes to work. He comes home and he calls Cas, and he goes about the rest of his life. Because life doesn’t stop for anybody, and he still needs a paycheck.

 

They start spending the weekends together, alternating who drives. Cas will go to work early on Fridays and work until the afternoon, then drive to Kansas as fast as he can. Dean will work until his shift is over and then start driving straight from work, no matter how tired he is.

 

The first time that Cas spent the night at Dean’s was the first time they made love. They kissed for such a long time, until Cas was moaning and Dean was breathless, both of their arousal quite evident. Cas had lain on top of Dean, grinding into him slowly, Dean’s lips on his neck and their hearts beating in sync. Dean slipped his hand into Cas’ boxers and started working him slowly, until Cas returned the favor and suddenly he was jerking both of them torturously slow. Dean had stopped him “I want to have sex with you Cas.”

 

He laid Cas underneath him, slowly pulling his boxer briefs off, kissing down his legs as he did so. He teased and sucked his way down Cas’ chest, licking over his nipples andnibbling on his collarbone. Dean nipped at Cas’ hips, and dipped his tongue into his belly button. He teased until he couldn’t stand it anymore, and then he lubed his fingers up and slowly slid one into Cas, watching his face as he worked him open. He was gentle and sweet, taking his time with Cas, like he was fragile. When he felt like Cas was prepped enough, he let him lube his cock up and kissed him deeply. He pushed into him an inch at a time, until he was fully sheathed and Cas was begging him to move. He placed his hands on either side of Cas and slowly rolled his hips, pushing in and out. Cas raked his nails down Dean’s back and nipped at his jaw, enjoying the noises he was making. Cas is so beautiful to him, especially now, and he feels like he can never let this go. Dean increased his pace, and they both chased their orgasms in a maze of heat and whispered curses.  Dean watched Cas’ face as he came and he thought he had never seen anything more beautiful.

 

They took a hot bath together afterward, their legs tangled up in the bubbles as they sat chest to back. Dean had stroked up and down Cas’ arms absently, lost in thought. “This isn’t working.” He’d murmured. Cas sat bolt upright, panic settling in his chest. “What ?! Dean…”

 

“Only seeing each other on the weekends, it doesn’t work Cas. I want…I want you to move in with me.” Dean said the words tentatively, afraid of rejection.

 

Cas feels relief like he’s never known. “Of course I’ll move in with you.” He moves in two weeks later, with his bookshelves and his aquarium and his Backstreet Boys CD’s.

 

It makes Cas uneasy when Dean watches the news. He always sits quietly and intently during the pieces about the war, and it worries Cas. He doesn’t like to think about Dean in his soldiers uniform anymore. It used to make him proud to remember Dean as a hero, but now it just makes him scared. He thought he loved Dean then, but that’s nothing compared to how he feels now.

 

January, 2004

Cas is a librarian now, and Dean is a factory worker. They’ve been living together for two months- they even spent their first Christmas together. Things are better than they’ve ever been , for both of them. They’re like planets, they orbit around each other. Cas is Dean’s gravity, and Dean is Cas’ sun.

Sam has met Cas a few times now, and he can see how good he is for Dean. They’re opposites, yet they fit together like puzzle pieces.

 

March 2004

Cas comes home from work and Dean is already home, which is unusual. “Babe ? Is something wrong ?”

 

“I quit my job.” Dean says, looking up from the tv.

 

Cas sits beside him, rubbing his back, “I’m kind of glad. It made you miserable.” He kisses his cheek and strokes his hair, showing Dean that he isn’t mad.

 

Dean is quiet for a few minutes. He won’t meet Cas’ eye. He leans into his touch, a frown on his face.

“Dean ?”

 

“I enlisted again.”


	3. Fight the Good Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last update until Monday. Sorry it's a little short...chapter postings will most likely be every few days starting next week. (:

March, 2004

 

“I hate you ! I hate you !” Cas has been screaming at Dean for an hour. He’s inconsolable, crying and begging him. Dean tries to hug him, but Cas shoves him away. “Just leave ! Might as well leave now !”

 

That stings Dean, and he starts throwing stuff in a bag. “See you later, Cas.”

 

“Goodbye.” Cas spits out.

 

 

Cas regrets that goodbye every single night. He cries himself to sleep, torturing himself with replaying thoughts of Dean back in Afghanistan. He can’t even bring himself to talk to him, because it will just be that much harder when he leaves. Dean is going to leave him, and he might not make it back.

 

Dean goes to stay with Sam until his deployment at the end of the month. It’s good to see his brother again, good to spend time with him before he leaves for war, again…He is a soldier, and once a soldier, always a soldier. He needs to fight for his country, and that’s not something he could ever explain to Cas. He can only hope that one day he’ll understand. He often thinks about Cas screaming “I hate you !” It’s the last memory he has of him before he goes back.

 

Cas doesn’t come to the airport to see him off.

 

Dean writes Cas a letter in May

 

_Dear Cas,                                                                                                         May 7 th, 2004_

_I’ve never really written a letter before, but all the guys here do it and they say it helps. Things aren’t the same here without you. I watch the stars still, and I have the quote with me. Sometimes I say it out loud to the sky and pretend that you can hear me. Does that sound lame ? I’m sorry for hurting you, I am. I regret it every day. But I didn’t leave you, I’m still here. I’ll always be here, I promise. In a few short years I’ll be home and we’ll be together for real again. I can’t explain why I had to come back here, but I felt like I had unfinished business. I’ll clear everything up and return home to you, for good. If you find someone else while I’m gone, I won’t blame you. I’m not asking you to wait for me, because that would be unfair if I did. The real reason for this letter is because there’s something I didn’t get a chance to tell you before I left- I love you. I know it’s early to be saying that, but I believe that if you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing, and that it will cause problems. Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground…you say it, you say it out loud. I’m saying it right now, but you can’t hear me, and so I’ll write it to you in this letter. They say you should always tell someone how you feel, because opportunities are lost in the blink of an eye, and regrets lasts a lifetime._

_Keep this letter as a real, touchable, personified version of us._

_All my love,_

_Dean_

Dean wonders how long the letter will take to reach Cas, and what he’ll think of it. He hopes that Cas will remember saying “keep this as a real, touchable, personified version of us,” back when he first ripped the page out of that book for Dean. He’s never forgotten that night.

If he was to die this time, he would be okay, because Cas knows that he loves him. That’s the best thing he could ask for.

 

Cas is bawling by the first sentence of the letter. He regrets more than ever telling Dean to leave, he could have had weeks of more time with him. He could have heard the first I love you in person, but instead he was a selfish bastard. He sent his boyfriend off to _war_ , for God’s sake, thinking that he hated him.

 

_Dear Dean,                                                                              May 16 th,  2004_

_I love you too. I know now that you never meant to hurt me. I should be the one apologizing to you, I had no right to kick you out of OUR house. Well, technically it was even your house first… Be careful out there, Dean. Come back to me, like the sun returns every morning. I need the light. And there will never be anyone else but you, don’t be ridiculous. I miss having you here, God, do I miss you. I not only look at the stars, I wish on them too. You’re my greatest wish._

_Sending my love,_

_Cas_

Things get a little easier with Cas’ letters, but not by much. The war is still terrible, the water is still dirty, and people are still dying. Afghanistan is still Hell.  This deployment is so much different from the last; he knows what to expect this time. He knows what to watch out for, who to watch out for. It makes it both easier and harder to cope. He’s still fighting off his personal demons and PTSD, and coupled with the dangers of the war, it’s no walk in the park. But Dean believes that he’s here for a reason- he has to, he can’t let himself believe that he left Cas for nothing. He has his own personal journey that he feels like he must follow before he can live the apple pie life he’s been chasing all this time. Maybe Dean wouldn’t feel this way if he had never enlisted in the first place. But sometimes, the wrong choices bring us to the right places.

 

 

_Dear Cas,                                                                                 August  12 th, 2004_

_How are you ? I miss making you dinner after work and waking up beside you. I hope you’re not pining over me…I want you to go out and have some fun, babe. Read your books and listen to my cassettes and miss me, but don’t be sad.  I’m not gone, just temporarily away, remember that. I have to go now, but don’t forget- I love you._

_~Dean_

Dean’s letters have been a lot shorter lately, he barely has time to even sleep, much less write and send a letter. He often re-reads the previous ones that Cas has sent him, as a reminder that he has someone waiting for him back home. He misses Cas like an ache that won’t go away, a different ache from the ones he acquires in battle. Things get progressively more hectic, and Dean spends his days stumbling and scared through the desert, following orders and watching his back. It’s tough out here, the war is peaking and everyone’s on edge. The only question is, who’s going to fall off of it first ?

 

Back at their place, Cas is struggling every bit as much as Dean. He has a hard time getting out of bed most days. Now that he’s experienced everything with Dean, nothing seems quite right without him. Dean gave him a taste and now Cas is craving him, but he can’t have him for so long. And he worries, so much it makes him physically ill sometimes. He’s practically waiting for a phone call that says Dean’s coming home in a body bag. He thinks about these things late at night, until he’s crying and clutching Dean’s pillow. He stays on his own side of the bed, as if Dean is still occupying his. Cas runs out to get the mail every day, and whenever he sees a letter addressed to him in Dean’s handwriting, it’s like a miracle. Dean’s letters have been changing lately, in a way that Cas can’t explain. They’ve been shorter, but that’s because Dean is busy. Mostly, he thinks that Dean speaks more about how the war _is_. He tells Cas how hard it is, how he’s struggling to keep up. That he’s scared. It makes him sad to know that Dean is out there, scared and feeling alone, and he can’t do a damn thing about it. He wishes that Dean would have never enlisted again. God, does he wish.

 

_Dear Dean,                                                                                          April 1 st, 2005_

_It’s been a year now. A year since I’ve seen your face, held you in my arms, kissed you…A year since I’ve seen your smile, heard you sing, or watched you cook breakfast. It’s been 365 days since you’ve slept next to me. 365 days since I’ve heard your voice. 365 days, and my heart has been breaking every damn day. Technically, that’s only how long it’s been since you’ve been deployed. You’ve actually been away from me for about a month longer than that. I regret telling you to leave, still, every single day. Maybe you would have stayed with me if I hadn’t said the things I did. I miss you so much it hurts me. Stay safe Dean. I love you._

_Your angel,_

_Cas_

_Dear Cas,                                                                                             April 14 th, 2005_

_I miss you more. I just thank God every day that you’re at home, safe. It’s Hell here Cas, absolute Hell. But I’m doing the best I can to stay safe. I’m going to come home less than a year from now, and you’ll see my face, hold me in your arms, kiss me. I’ll smile, and sing for you, then sleep right beside you. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning, and I’ll mend your broken heart._

_How’s Sam ? Tell him I miss him and I’m thinking of him. Call him bitch for me. Tell him to cut his hair, too._

_I have to go now, but you’re on my mind._

_Love always,_

_Dean_

A whole year. Cas can’t believe he’s gone this long without Dean. They should be celebrating their anniversary, not writing letters to each other from countries apart. It’s even harder to believe that he’s known Dean for so long now- going on four years. Even though they’ve been apart for a lot of it, Cas wouldn’t trade a second of it.

 

_Dear Dean,                                                                                          March 1 st, 2005_

_Sam is doing fine. He says that you’re a jerk, and he likes his long hair. He’s thinking of you too, as am I._

_I can’t wait to see you, my love. I’m never letting you out of my sight again, and you’re never going to enlist again. If you try, I’ll do it too. Fair is fair, babe. You’re going to stay with me and we’ll grow old together, rocking in our chairs on our porch. We’ll have a white picket fence, maybe a few kids, maybe a few grandchildren. Whatever you want. Whatever can make you stay, I’ll do it._

_All my love,_

_Cas_

 

Cas’ letter gets returned, Dean’s platoon isn’t stationed in the same place anymore. It takes Dean a few weeks to send Cas a letter from the new location. Cas re-sends his, and Dean’s responds come sooner this time, and longer. It’s a pleasant change; it’s almost like having the old Dean back.

 

Dean is scared. He’s hiding with his men, guns poised and waiting for the command to fire. This is a huge take down, and there are going to be some losses. He’s going to see the men he fights with, some of their own, get killed. He might even get killed himself.

“Fire !”

Dean shoots, and the roar of the bullets is deafening. It seems like time slows down as he hears the cries of men being hit, men being killed….

It haunts Dean in his dreams that night, and every night after.

 

He sends Cas letters less often now, because he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to send letters upon letters talking about how scared he is and how he’s paralyzed by his fear. Half the time he’s so worried about not letting everyone else die that he forgets about himself. That’s not a good place to be in a war. It’s a scary place to be anywhere, when you care more about other people than yourself.  He finally sends one to Cas, and it’s like a plea for help.

 

_My little Casanova,                                                     June 2 nd, 2005_

_I’m not scared anymore._

_Love always,_

_Dean_

 

Cas’ breath catches in his throat when he reads Dean’s letter. He flashes back to when they first met;

_“It’s okay to be scared Dean, it means you still have something to lose.”_

 

It sounds as if Dean has given up.

 

Maybe Dean isn’t, but Cas is so deathly afraid. If he loses Dean, he’s lost everything. He’s lost his future, his happiness…His heart clenches and his stomach lurches, bile climbing in his throat. He throws up in the bathroom, and the tears start to stream down his face. Dean _needs_ to make it through this. He sobs on the letter, crying out for Dean. “Oh God Dean, please. Come home, come back to me ! I need you, I need you…”

 

He sleeps on Dean’s side of the bed that night.

 

 

It’s two weeks after the huge shoot out when the bomb- literally- drops. Dean’s platoon is bombed. Thankfully, he’s not standing close enough to it that he gets killed, but the damage is huge. Almost half the men are wiped out or injured, including Dean. He remembers the sound the best, the huge boom that reverberated in his chest, and the feeling of flying through the air. The bodies and body parts that hit the ground beside him, the human remains that splatter onto the sand. It’s like one of his dreams, except this is far too real, and the pain is suffocating him. Henrikson is screaming at him “Get up, get up !”

But he can’t.

And so he doesn’t.

 

 

It’s June 20th when Cas gets the phone call from the military officer.


	4. Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is a little shorter than the others ! Thank you to the people who have been commenting so far...let me know what you guys think about this chapter ? I hope it's not too cheesy.

Cas answers the unknown call.

 

“Is this Castiel Novak ?”

 

Cas’ heart starts pounding. Is this it ? Is this the call ? “Yes it is.”

 

“You were listed under Dean Winchester’s emergency contact list. He was injured in Afghanistan. He’s being flown back to the states.”

 

Cas drops to his knees. “Oh God…is he alive ?” Dean could have any number of injuries. It must be bad for them to send him home.

 

“Yes, Dean is alive.”

 

“Is he brain dead ?” Cas asks fearfully.

  
“No, nothing that serious. He was very lucky.”

 

The officer gives Cas instructions on where Dean is being flown to. He’s going to be at a fancy military hospital in New York, in a few hours.

 

Cas calls Sam, and they book  plane tickets together. They fly out in a couple of hours. Cas is a nervous wreck the whole flight, but he can tell Sam is trying to stay calm. They land in the late evening, and take a cab to the hospital. Sam does all the talking at the front desk, because Cas is unable to form coherent sentences at the moment. The receptionist tells them that the doctor is waiting to speak with them. Dr. Barnes pulls them into her office, and gently starts explaining things.

 

“When Dean was in Afghanistan, a bomb went off near where his platoon was hiding. He _was_ injured in the explosion…however, he was very lucky. He will have no long term physical disability. Right now, his range of motion with his right arm is impaired, but we can work on that. The real issue is, Dean experienced some head trauma during the explosion. He has some memory loss right now….there is no way to tell if he remembers you until you go in and see him. I’m very sorry.”

 

Cas feels like the wind is knocked out of him. He vaguely feels Sam’s hand on his shoulder “C’mon Cas, let’s go see him.” He stands up, feeling numb, and follows Dr. Barnes to Dean’s room- 302. She knocks on it, “Dean, you have some visitors.”

 

Dean is sitting up in bed. He looks mostly normal, except for the various IV’s and bandages. “Hey, Sammy !” He greets automatically, his whole face lighting up. He looks at Cas “Who’s your friend ?”

 

Cas’ heart drops. Dean doesn’t remember him….he doesn’t remember their first time, or their first I love you…he doesn’t remember all the nights they spent in Afghanistan together.

“I’m so sorry…” Sam says softly to Cas. He walks up to Dean’s bedside and pulls up a chair. “Dean…that’s your boyfriend, Cas.”

 

Dean struggles to recognize him, but he can’t. “Um…hi.” He says weakly.

 

Cas sits on the other side of him, trying not to cry. On one hand, they’re so, so lucky. Dean is home early, and he’s going to be okay. But on the other hand….what if Dean doesn’t love him anymore ?

 

 

After a while, Sam gives them some alone time and goes to make calls to relatives.

 

 

Dean turns to Cas “How long have we been dating ?”

 

“Two years. We’ve known each other for a while though…about four years.”

 

“How did we meet ?”

 

“Do you want me to tell you our story ?” Cas asks hopefully- maybe it will jog Dean’s memory.

 

Dean nods.

 

“We met in 2001, in Afghanistan. You had just enlisted and I was a mission worker there, with my church. I brought your platoon some water… I told you I didn’t believe in the war, and we argued at first. Then we just kept meeting up, and we would just talk. Mostly we’d lay on our backs and look up at the stars together…I left a few months before you were deployed back home, and then we didn’t see each other for a few months. But then you drove to South Carolina to visit me….you stayed a week with me, and then was when I knew I loved you. We started dating after that, and we would drive to each other’s house every weekend….the first time that we, um, made love…was the night you asked me to move in with you. We were so happy…..but then you enlisted again. I was so mad at you, I said some awful things to you, and I didn’t say goodbye before you left. I’m so sorry for that. We wrote letters to each other though…I’ll bring them and you can read them.” Cas looks down and fidgets with his hands, unsure of what to say next. It’s really hard for him, he will have to re-explain the details of their relationship to someone who once knew him better than anyone.

 

Cas stays by Dean’s side every day. He brings him the letters to read, watching Dean’s determination as he tries to remember writing them.

 

“I have a question.” Dean says to him, about five days later.

 

“Ask me whatever you need to.” Cas says, his heart racing.

 

“I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life. “What can you ever really know of other people’s souls—of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands” Dean recites. “Does that mean something to you ? Why is it stuck in my head ?”

 

Cas puts a hand over his mouth, trying not to cry. “Yeah, that was…uh, that was a quote that I gave to you when we were in Afghanistan together. You kept it with you for the longest time, I don’t know where it is now.”

 

Dean holds up a finger. He rifles around in the drawer next to his bed and pulls out a plastic bag filled with his possessions that he had with him overseas. It’s only a few things- a dirty piece of paper, a photograph, and his dog tags. “Is this it ?” He holds up the warn, frayed, and folded up piece of paper, handing it to Cas.

 

Cas opens it carefully. He can barely make out the words from all the dirt, but he’s 99% sure this _is_ the quote. “Yeah, yeah it is. I can’t believe you remembered.”

 

Cas makes sure to tell Dr. Barnes about it later, and she tells him that it’s very good news.

 

 “It could be a gateway to remembering the rest of your memories together. Right now, it seems as though he remembers everything up until 2001. He remembers some of the war, which is both good and bad. It’s good that he doesn’t remember everything so that his PTSD is lessened, but bad because that means there are still holes in his memory. These holes could be hiding meeting you in Afghanistan and then spending time with you back here in the States. Keep trying Cas, you’re doing great.”

 

Cas shares memories of them together all the time with Dean, desperately trying to get him to remember. It’s hard to see him like this, looking vulnerable and confused in his hospital bed. He’s trying so hard, and Cas knows he is. It must be so much harder for him, not being able to remember your own life. It must be scary as Hell.

 

 

Dean is getting restless in this hospital. He’s been here two weeks, and he still can’t remember jack and they barely let him get out of bed. The only thing keeping him grounded is Cas- he’s such a sweet guy, caring and kind, and Dean is glad they were- are ?- dating. He always holds his hand when he has to get shots, and he brushes the hair out of his eyes when he’s sleeping. He promises to be here for him even if he doesn’t love him anymore.

 

Dean wonders what he did to deserve someone so amazing.

 

 

At the same time, it’s scary for him. He has a hard time trusting Cas at first, he’s awkward and nervous around him. It takes a while to get used to the idea that they’re _dating_ , and pretty much his whole month long stay in the hospital is him trying to get more accustomed to him. He feels bad about it, he knows that must be really hard for Cas.

 

Eventually, he starts to remember things- in his dreams, and in bits and pieces. It starts after he goes home, to his old apartment. It’s not that weird for him to be living with Cas, because he’s comfortable around him and he feels safe. After all this time he’s spent with him, it’s true. He dreams about fallen soldiers mostly, but also a recurring red star. It’s not a perfect star, not like one someone had painted, but more like…a splatter of something. And it’s worse because he can’t remember where he’s seen it before, just that he has. All the crimson in his dreams makes him wonder if he spent time in Hell, not overseas.

 

The first night he wakes up screaming, he scares the daylights out of Cas. They sleep in the same room, Dean on the bed and Cas on a pull-out couch.

 

“Dean ! Dean, it’s okay. You’re alright, I’ve got you.” Cas struggles to stop Dean’s thrashing. He gathers him in his arms and crushes him to his chest, rocking him. “Shhh….shh…”

 

“So red…” Dean chokes out, clutching onto Cas.

 

“What ? What is it, Dean ?”

 

“I don’t know !” He dry sobs. That’s the whole point, he doesn’t know what’s going on anymore. Sure, he remembers _most_ of his life, but he also lost about four years.

 

“I’m just scared.” He finally says.

 

“I’ll protect you. Nothing bad will happen to you again…I’m right here.” Cas speaks in a soothing voice, not patronizing, but comforting.

 

 

Things continue like that for months more- the dreams, the confusion…But Cas is there every step of the way. Dean doesn’t mind now, he sees things as a fresh start. He really likes Cas and they do all the things of a regular couple, apart from intimacy and “I love you’s.” They go out together, have movie nights, they even sleep in the same bed now. It’s basically everything Dean has never had before- the white picket fence life. Cas works, but for now Dean doesn’t because he gets compensation for being injured in the war. He secretly likes it, it means he gets to cook meals for Cas and do things to make him happy. He notices all the little things about him, and pays extra special attention. Cas likes to wear mis-matched socks on purpose. He likes ravioli but hates lasagna. He likes space and the ocean. Stupid comedy shows don’t interest him, yet he’ll watch a documentary on hyenas for Christ sake. All of these things are traits that Dean has come to know and identify as Cas. Things he’s come to know…and love.

 

Dean stares into the mirror sometimes, trying to remember what life was like before this. He thinks that perhaps maybe time doesn’t not heal all wounds at all- maybe that’s all one huge lie. Maybe instead, time has a way of filling you up with things, other things, better things…You wake up one day and you are a different person, one you never expected to meet. But maybe things were supposed to happen this way. At least that’s what Dean believes. Things were changed for the better, and he couldn’t ask for much more than that.

 

Dean seems just as happy as he was before, and Cas thinks maybe this might have been a blessing in disguise. Everything is really good, if not better than it was before. He has his Dean, and that’s all that matters.

 

It takes both of them a few months to realize that they’re falling in love all over again.

 

Before they know it, it’s late fall again, Dean’s favorite time of year.  He loves to rake the yard and then insist that Cas jump in the leaves with him. He makes Cas cider, and in turn Cas will make him homemade pies. They cuddle in front of the fireplace, and they make love on the kitchen floor. Dean wears his layered flannels and jackets, and Cas wears his oversized sweaters. They’re so different, so contrasting, but they fit together so perfectly. Cas’ pale hand belongs nowhere else but tangled between Dean’s tanned fingers, and Dean’s sandy hair belongs nowhere else but mixing with Cas’ dark locks on their pillow.

 

The accident and Afghanistan are far behind them. They have roots in this town now, and a dog, and they renovated the living room. Everything’s different, yet it’s so much the same- but Hell if it isn’t damn good anyway.


	5. Starlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I haven't updated sooner ! I updated this in a rush, I might re-update it later, but I wanted the bulk of it up now...sorry it's a little short ! I'm going to try and update bi-weekly from now on....anyway, enjoy the chapter. next one will probably feature more smut. :)

 

It’s only a few months later when Dean starts remembering. And with the memories comes worse PTSD than before, coupled with depression and anxiety. It’s hard for Cas to watch him fall down the rabbit hole- and nothing he seems to do can stop him.

 

He gets war flashbacks constantly, and he can barely function unless he’s in a quiet room with only a few people. He feels even worse that he forgot Cas, and that just makes the whole thing even more devastating for him. How could he forget the one he loves ? And now all he can think about is all the people he saw die, and all the people he killed.

 

 

 

“Dean, baby, please wake up. Get out of bed, get some fresh air…I made us some food.” Cas pleads, sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

Dean grunts in response.

 

Cas combs his hands through Dean’s hair “It will be fun. You’ll feel better.”

 

Dean finally sits up, rubbing his eyes.

 

“I’ll take you out for dinner, we’ll get burgers and fries. Or whatever you want..” Cas tells him hopefully.

His face looks so hopeful that Dean reluctantly says yes. He showers for the first time in days, then eats lunch with Cas at the table. They go on a walk afterward, holding hands. It’s been a long time since they’ve done any of that, and Dean has to admit, he feels a tiny bit better. He’s really glad he decided to do this when he sees Cas all excited and getting ready for their dinner date.

 

“You look great, babe.” Dean tells him, kissing him softly.

 

“So do you. Much better, Dean.” Cas says, fixing Dean’s shirt a little. “Are you ready to go ?”

 

They go out to a restaurant way out of town, a tavern of sorts. They sit at the bar and drink beers, and they eat big greasy burgers and huge baskets of fries. Dean is laughing again, and his eyes crinkle at the corner where he smiles. It’s been months since Cas has seen him this way, and his heart swells with the sight. Maybe things will be okay again…

 

When they get home, Dean even asks Cas to watch a movie. They curl up together on the couch, with Cas in Dean’s arms. Dean keeps giving Cas gentle kisses anywhere and everywhere. He’s missed this and even though things are still hard, he’s going to keep pushing through. Sure he’s still in pain and struggling, but he can at least try.  After all the shit he’s been through, Cas has stuck by his side the whole time. And he refuses to let him down.

 

They have sex that night for the first time in almost two months, and it seems like things are starting to mend.

 

 

 

The next week, Cas approaches Dean cautiously.

 

“I think you should see a therapist…”  


“What ?” Dean snaps.

 

“It will be good for you…to talk about things. I know there’s things you don’t want me to know, so maybe you can tell this guy. His name is Garth, he’s supposed to be really great. Please, Dean ?”

 

“I don’t want to see some shrink.”

 

“Only once a week. Just try it. You never know…” Cas pleads.

 

“Fine.” Dean gets up and leaves the room. It’s pointless to argue, it will just create another rift between them. He wants to do as much as he can to make Cas happy, and if that includes him spilling his guts to some stranger, he can take it.

 

 

 

He sees Garth the following Monday. He’s nothing at all like Dean expected; Dean had been picturing a stereotypical fat, old, bald guy. But Garth looks younger than him even- a tall, skinny, nerdy dude with an encouraging smile. The nameplate on his desk reads “Garth Fitzgerald IV.” Maybe then his session will go better than expected too.

 

“Pleased to meet you Dean, call me Garth. Have a seat.”

 

Dean sits on a couch across from Garth, who’s sitting in a living chair.

 

“What would _you_ like to talk about ? Anything you’re comfortable with.” Garth says in a calm voice.

 

“Well…my boyfriend kind of forced me into this, so I don’t really know why I’m here.” Dean says tentatively.

 

“There’s nothing you can think of that would lead him to believe that therapy would be beneficial to you ?” Garth is choosing his words carefully. It can be easy to upset patients, especially if this is their first time here.

 

“I was a soldier…” Dean begins. “In Afghanistan. Served two deployments. My second one got cut short because of an injury…That was hard, I guess.”

 

Garth waits for him to continue.

 

“I was near a bomb when it exploded, and it gave me a brain injury- memory loss. I couldn’t remember Cas…that’s my boyfriend. I still feel really bad about it, because that must have been pretty hard for him.”

 

“What about _you_ , Dean ? Would you say it was hard for you ?” Garth is trying to piece together Dean’s babbling.

 

“Yeah, I guess it was. It left me pretty scared because I didn’t know anything. Well, I knew most of my life, but the recent stuff I couldn’t remember at all. It was all new and frightening…” Dean takes a deep breath and continues. “Then I started getting flashbacks of the war, which was _not_ something I wanted to remember. I was pretty terrified a lot of the time. I…thought about…ending things, a couple of times.” Dean has never revealed that to anyone, and he’s not even sure why he’s revealing it now. “But don’t tell Cas that.”

 

“Of course not Dean, patient-therapist confidentiality is always in order. Only things you would like me to tell Cas will be revealed to him. Now, may I ask if you ever attempted to act on those suicidal thoughts/feelings ?”

 

“No, never. Things got better then, and I didn’t have those thoughts anymore. I started getting more comfortable around Cas, and I guess you could say I fell in love with him again.” Dean smiles softly at the thought. “We were happy for a long time, but sort of recently I actually remembered everything that I had lost, not just the war stuff. My PTSD came back pretty bad, and my depression…I started thinking those thoughts again.” He looks down at his hands. “That’s all I feel like talking about today.”

 

“That was a very good start Dean, it was very brave of you to share everything that you did. I know it wasn’t easy.” Garth keeps his tone neutral, not condescending.

 

“Thanks.” Dean hadn’t been planning on telling that much at all- actually, he’d planned on not really saying much, period. But then he got here, and everything was stirring under the surface of his skin. If he didn’t let it out somehow, he felt like he was going to explode. Dean feels like pressure has been released, like he’s a little lighter somehow. Maybe Cas was right, this could be good for him…

 

“You may go now, if you wish.”

 

“Thank you, I’ll uh, see you next week.” Dean gives an awkward wave as he exits the room.

 

Cas is waiting in the parking lot in the car. He’d stayed in case Dean needed him. When Dean climbs into the shotgun seat, he tentatively asks “How’d it go ?”

 

Dean gives a noncommittal shoulder shrug. “I’m coming back next week.”

 

Cas takes that as a good sign, it couldn’t have been that bad if Dean wants to return. He breathes a sigh of relief. “Let’s go get some ice cream.”

 

“I love you Cas.” Dean says, holding his hand on the car ride to the ice cream shop.

 

 

 

Time blurs a little for Cas, between visits from Sam and Gabe, work, driving Dean to his therapy sessions…everything is blissfully normal and boring. It’s the middle of 2006 now, Cas is 27 and Dean is 28. Cas is exactly where he’d hoped to be by now- settled down with someone, living in their own house together. Dean is getting better, and he’s working now…he’s happy. He’s happy again, but Cas is positive it’s for real this time. He’s finally remembered everything, and he’s slowly coming to terms with it. He’s working through it, and he’s doing so well. All his years of pain and confusion are over, and they’re on to bigger and better things.

 

 

 

One night in late August, Dean asks Cas on a date.

 

“I want to take you out tonight babe. Do dinner at a fancy restaurant and a movie, fireworks show afterward…the whole thing.” He wraps his arms around Cas’ waist and kisses the back of his neck.

 

Cas dresses in a blue button down with the sleeves rolled up and black slacks. Dean looks dashing in a suit, escorting Cas into the restaurant like a gentleman. He opesn the car and restaurant doors for him, pulls Cas’ chair out for him, the whole bit. They enjoy a fancy candlelit dinner of steak and lobster, sharing a bottle of champagne. Dean has pulled out all the stops for tonight. He keeps telling Cas how much he loves him, and Cas has never felt so special in his whole life. Dean looks at him like he's his entire world, like he's the most precious thing. Afterward, they go see a movie that Cas picked out - a new rom-com. They sit in the back of the theatre and make out like horny teenagers, then leave the movie early to do the same thing in Dean’s car. It’s perfect, it’s everything Cas ever wanted with Dean.

Dean is so happy that he's able to do all of this with Cas- cherish him, take him out for a nice evening, make him feel like he's the only person in the world. He thanks God silently that he didn't make the wrong choice and commit suicide, and also that he wasn't killed in the war. There must be angels looking out for him, because he never thought he could have all this, that he could be this happy.

 

The last fireworks show of the season starts at 11, and Dean spreads a blanket out on the top of a hill and they lay down and wait. Cas’ hand is intertwined with Dean’s, and they’re laying with their sides pressed together.

 

 “Hey, look at the stars Cas.” Dean comments with a smile.

 

“I see them. Up there in our sky.” He blushes at how cheesy that sounded.

 

Dean kisses his cheek. “It’s almost 11.”

 

A few moments later, as if on cue, the fireworks begin. Dean watches Cas’ face more than the fireworks. His eyes are big and alight like a childs, as he takes in the bursts of color in the sky. “They’re so beautiful…” He mumbles in awe. He scoots closer to Dean, and they cuddle as they watch together. It's easily the best night of Cas' entire life. The show lasts about forty five minutes, a gorgeous display of shape and color, the perfect way to end their date, and the summer.

 

The very last firework is Dean’s favorite one.

 

Up in the sky, spelled in purple, is

 

“Cas, will you marry me ?”


	6. Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've been crap at updating ! Enjoy some smut in lieu of apology :) This is kind of a filler chapter, because I didn't want them to be married just yet. It's a little short, but I felt like it was finished so that's why I'm posting it. Again, thank you to everyone who's left kudos and/or commented !

Cas just stares at the sky. He can’t believe that Dean did all this…it’s so romantic, it’s perfect. He turns to him and sees him down on one knee, with a ring in his hands. Cas kisses him deeply before he pulls back and touches their foreheads together.

 

“Yes.” He tells him, his eyes welling up. Dean slides the ring onto his finger. Everyone around them claps and cheers, and Dean stands up and takes a bow. He pulls Cas up with him and yells “We’re getting married !” More people cheer, and a few come up and congratulate them.

 

 

They go home and take a bubble bath together, talking about the wedding and when they’re going to tell everyone. Afterward, Dean leads Cas to the bedroom. He kisses him passionately, his tongue sliding into his mouth, tasting. He nibbles and sucks Cas’ bottom lip, before moving onto his neck. He makes tiny love bites and marks. “Gotta mark you up, so everyone knows you’re mine.” Cas shivers, and then switches their position so he’s on top. He runs his hands down Dean’s sides slowly, then cradles his hips. He kisses down his toned chest, stopping to lick teasingly over Dean’s nipples. Dean moans softly, so responsive to Cas’ touch. Cas kisses over his ribs, hot, open mouthed kisses. He nips at his hips, tracing Dean’s V lines with his tongue. Dean arches up against him, “Cas, stop teasing me.” His voice is husky with lust. Cas smiles against his skin and kisses lower. He pins Dean’s hips down and takes his length into his mouth, an inch at a time. Dean moans loudly and squirms. Cas peeks up at him and bats his lashes as he hollows his cheeks and sucks, moving down and then back up again, tantalizingly slow. He hums, and adds his hand to stroke the part that he can’t fit. Cas swirls his tongue and licks at the head, knowing how much it drives Dean crazy. He pulls off and Dean whines “Baaaabe.”

 

“There’s more where that came from.” Cas promises. “Turn over.”

 

Dean turns over, and Cas straddles his hips. He grabs some scented oil and rubs his hands together. He kneads Dean’s tight shoulders and back, taking his time and placing gentle kisses down his spine. He works all the way to his lower back, before slowly rubbing his ass cheeks. “Wanna bottom for me today ?” He asks him sweetly.

 

“Yes.” Dean says breathlessly.

 

Cas slowly spreads his cheeks apart and teases his hole. He slips one finger inside gently, working it in and out before he adds another. He scissors and bends his fingers, searching for Dean’s prostate. He knows he found it when Dean arches his back and thrusts back on his fingers. “You like that baby ?” Cas asks with a smirk. Dean moans into the pillow in response.

 

“Don’t stop.” He pleads.

 

Cas hits his prostate on every other thrust until he thinks that he’s loose enough. He flips him over again and kisses him deeply. “Ready ?”

 

Dean nods, holding onto Cas’ hips as he pushes slowly in. He waits until he’s fully sheathed before he starts rolling his hips slowly, sliding in and out with practiced ease. Dean doesn’t bottom very often, and Cas likes being able to treat him. Dean’s head is thrown back in ecstasy, his breathing harsh and labored with his pleasure.

 

“Cas….fuck…go faster.” He begs.

 

Cas speeds up his pace, snapping his hips forward. He shifts and changes the angle, making both of them let out a strangled sound.   


“Right there !” Dean chokes out.

 

Cas keeps going at a steady, fast pace and fucks them both into a blissful orgasm. Cas hasn’t come untouched in a long time, but tonight was just so perfect that he did anyway. Dean swipes a finger through the mess on his chest and sucks on it, closing his eyes. He swollen lips close around his fingers beautifully, and Cas moans at the sight. “You’re so hot.”

 

He kisses him and tastes a bit of himself, which causes a heavy and sticky makeout session. They shower together again afterward, before collapsing into bed, curled around one another.

 

 

 

The next day, they have lunch with Jess and Sam, and they break the news. Jess starts crying with joy, and even Sam looks misty-eyed. He hugs them both “I’m so happy for you.” Jess starts talking to Cas about wedding invitations, color themes, and flower arrangements. Sam and Dean discuss the guests and the date.

 

Dean and Cas become increasingly busy over the next few weeks, with their days filled with wedding plans and meetings with family members to tell them the news. Both of their parents are dead, but they have no shortage of family. Dean has his extended family and Cas has his four siblings to account for, not to mention his various aunts and uncles. The wedding is about to be a full house, and Dean couldn’t be more excited. He wants as many people as possible to see him marry the love of his life.

 

They find a wedding planner and start deciding on things right away. They set the date for the end of the next summer- August 28th, the day that Dean proposed. Cas wants white lilies and Dean wants lilacs, so they create a bouquet featuring both, so the wedding colors are white and lavender. There will be around 130 guests, and they’re still working on a menu that’s affordable and will serve that many people. Dean loves doing the planning with Cas, because he knows how much he enjoys it. His face lights up as he discusses things with Dean, and he’s really going all out. He buys wedding magazines and watches those wedding shows, jotting down ideas. He’s constantly on the phone with Jess, exchanging ideas.

 

 

 

Nine months to the wedding

 

 

 

It has been decided that they’ll have a backyard wedding here at the house, and the reception will be held here as well. It’s going to be a late evening wedding, with sparkling lights wrapped around the trees and lanterns hanging everywhere. They custom ordered a silk aisle-way to lead up to the altar, and they’re renting white folding chairs and some banquet tables. The live music will be a pianist and then a local band later on. That’s as far as they’ve gotten on the planning, but they’re in no rush. Both Dean and Cas want everything to be absolutely perfect.

 

Sam is planning their honeymoon with Jess and Charlie, Dean and Cas’ friend. He’s planning on Australia, because both Dean and Cas have always wanted to go there. Sam wants them to fly there and back, but Charlie and Jess think a cruise would be better. They bicker about it until Missouri Moseley shows up at their doorstep, shaking her head. “What are you fools fightin’ about ?” Missouri is a very close family friend, and has been involved in quite a bit of the wedding planning. All three of them explain the situation to her, and she settles it by saying they can take a cruise ship there and fly home.

 

 

 

The guest list includes a few of Dean’s old army buddies, like Henrikson, Milligan, and Lafitte, his friends like Garth, Pamela, and Charlie, and then his family- Sam, Jess, Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Missouri…Even his grandfather, Samuel Campbell. Cas is inviting his four siblings Anna, Gabriel, Balthazaar, and Michael, as well as his uncle Zachariah, and his aunt Naomi. His one million cousins are also attending. The rest are old friends or family members they don’t get to see as often. Dean is excited to have his whole family in one place, and Cas is…nervous to have all his together.

 

 

 

Six Months to the Wedding

 

 

Bobby sits Dean down late one afternoon. “Listen, boy. There’s something of your Dad’s that he wanted me to give you…I think now is the right time.”

 

Bobby hands him a gold pocket watch with intricate carvings on it.

 

“You know, he would have loved to be here and see you now, all grown up. I know he had a funny way of showing it, but he loved you boys so much.” Bobby fidgets, he’s not good at the whole ‘feelings’ thing.

 

“Thank you.” Dean hugs Bobby. He examines the watch, and feels a pang of hurt. He misses his dad a lot, and he wishes he could be here to see him get married. He likes to think that he’d be proud of him now.

 

He puts the watch in his pocket for safe keeping, running his fingers over it.

 

John died while Dean was over in Afghanistan the first time he served. It was very hard for him, knowing that his father died alone, and he hadn’t been there to take care of him. He had flown back for the funeral, but took no extra time off. He just couldn’t face being home with all of his mourning relatives. It made him feel like a coward, and so he threw himself back into his duties overseas. Overall, it had been yet another devastating time for him. He’s just glad that now he’s past everything that happened, and he’s on to the good part of his life. He’s putting everything behind him now, in the best way.

 

 

Five Months to the Wedding

 

 

Sam and Jess are also engaged now. Jess had scolded him for stealing Cas and Dean’s thunder, but they were thrilled. Dean just wants his brother to be as happy as he is, and Cas is ecstatic to plan Jess’ wedding with her. Bobby pretends to be gruff and roll his eyes at the thought of another wedding, but Dean knows how happy he is on the inside, to see the boys he practically raised being married off.

 

These past few months Dean has spent a lot of nights laying awake and thinking. He thinks about the fact that maybe everything he went through was so he could get to the good part. He’s so grateful for his happy ending. He’s so grateful for everything, really- his brother, his fiancé, his family…his friends, his house, his awesome dog.

 

“Cas ?”

 

“What, Dean ? It’s like 3am.”

 

“I love you. I love you so much.”

 

Cas smiles and moves closer to kiss him. “I love you too.”

 

They cuddle together and whisper about the wedding, the picture of a perfect couple.


End file.
